Amy was still in need of time to come to terms with not being married and not being able to say that she was in love with her husband without being judged by others. That perception is in itself very powerful. The prevailing thought in our society is that when you are married, you are in love with your spouse. You need time to grieve the loss of your loveĪmy did not know that her marriage was going to end and therefore did not think to start on the process of not being “in love” with this man until he told her that it was over. Her perfect vision of what she wanted her marriage to be like, in hindsight was what she wanted and cried for every night. That is the man that she wanted to still be married to and who she could not let go of. When she had something negative to say about his infidelities or verbal abuse, for example, she would offer an excuse for why that had happened and downplay the significance.Īmy was hanging on in her mind to the vision of who she wanted her ex-husband to be. As she looked back on her marriage, I heard her pushing forward the details of his good qualities. This idea is a very hard one to let go of. When Amy got married, she was thinking that this was going to be the most wonderful relationship that was going to carry her through the rest of her life. However, when someone has been in a long relationship, the first flush fades out and can be replaced by the familiar, the status quo, the “ this is good enough for me”. If you are lucky- or choose wisely- enough, that can continue and add comfort, feeling of respect and knowledge that this is the most trusted best friend you will ever have. The lightheaded feeling, fluttering in the chest, the excitement when you hear from or even think about that special person. We all know the idealistic view of romantic love. I suppose one of the questions we have to ask ourselves is what is “Love” and how does it change as we go through a long relationship? My friends keep telling me that he doesn’t deserve me, but they just don’t understand.” It seems so obvious, but what is “love”?įor some of us reading this, it is crazy to think that she could still feel such strong feelings towards a man who had treated her this way for such a long period of time. I cry every day, I can’t get any motivation to do my work or try anything new in my life. When I asked her what she saw as her main challenge of living her new life, her answer was very simple. She soon came to find out that he had moved in with a woman from his work and her son. Then a year ago he announced that he wanted a divorce and moved out the next day. She also did all the day to day tasks around taking care of the home and looking after their two children when they were younger.
#Still in love wit my ex full
She worked full time and was the major breadwinner of the family. He had been through a couple of infidelities and she had been able to forgive him and move past that because she loved him.
It never went to the level of physical abuse, but he would call her names on a regular basis. While they had been together she felt that she was often walking on eggshells as he was easily upset if she gave an opinion he didn’t like or was “ too pushy” as she put it. She went on to share the details of their life together. She described her ex-husband as a wonderful man. She told me that he was, “ the love of my life”. She was 53 years old and had been with her husband since her senior year in high school. Amy’s storyĪmy came to me after her divorce and the end of her 33-year marriage. This is grieving…and there are no set rules. I quickly came to realize the depth of how they felt and the causes of it. However, knowing that there is no set particular way anyone “should” feel and looking back on my own experience to understand the pain and the process that each of these women was feeling, I held space for them to find their way out of this emotional maelstrom. As an observant outsider, it seemed to me that she would thrive so much more without this other person who was frankly holding her back from loving herself and living her ideal life. Treat yourself as kindly as you would a friend going through this difficult timeĪt first, I found it very hard to reconcile what I was hearing about their lives and the fact that they were still so devoted to this man.Suddenly your future is unknown and this brings up fear.You need time to grieve the loss of your life.
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